MY RONALDO JAM MESSI by Oriade Adelaja Oriola

I have always prided myself as a smooth playboy having a robust CV of sexual escapades with lots of girls. Although majority of them are those you will refer to as not beautiful, not like they were ugly but they were somewhere in between. Nevertheless, they are girls, and I had my way with them. University days was fun because I was a good student and what better way  was there to catch the insecure students than taking them tutorials that usually ended with condom-physical instructions.

Service (NYSC) opened my eyes. The types of girls I had in the university wouldn’t even consider my proposal after enjoying drinks and chicken suya with me at the mammy market. Long throats! One of them was sincere enough to tell me why, after having her filled with five bottles of Smirnoff Ice and two whole chicken suya.

“You don’t have the looks of a guy ready to get married in the next five years. Most of us come here looking for husband material”.

They didn’t know I was not husband material when I spent for them. I almost slapped her when she asked for one more bottle.

Service over, I needed to up my game. Not yet employed, I had time to chase girls. I was determined not to go for the “somewhere-in-between” girls again. I was out for the extremely beautiful girls, not minding what it would cost me. Streamlining locations to meet them, I decided Shoprite in Ikeja would be a good location to start. My choice must have been by divine guidance because I met Tomisin on the first day. She looked like an angel in what she wore (I can’t remember what that was though).  We became friends and moved around the mall taking pictures. Deep down, I was angry at myself, feeling I could have had beautiful girls in the past if I knew it was this easy.

We were almost parting ways at the main gate after exchanging contact details when she remembered she needed to buy gifts for her best friend who was getting married. I was happy to escort her back in.  At least, it gave me more time to spend with this angel. I had a full trolley to push after she picked almost every kitchen equipment available.  She was short twenty five thousand naira when the price of her goods was calculated. She had to return a few of the items. As a big boy, I was not about to let her get embarrassed, so I paid the  money from the house rent my dad asked me to pay if the landlord came by.

That night, while chatting on BBM, she accepted to date me. Luckily, by the time the landlord came for the long overdue rent, I had withdrawn from my service savings to complete the borrowed money. Tomisin and I agreed to meet again because the love we shared on BBM was not too expressive. I even used her picture as my display picture to announce to my “somewhere-in-between” girlfriends that I was no longer in their class. I had stepped up.

On the day she promised to visit me, I took my friend’s advice. I visited Iya Paraga’s shop where I took four cups of Jedi, ale and opa eyin (mixture). For effectiveness, I took something else which I hadn’t taken before in my short life time.  I was home alone expecting her when she called me.

“I won’t be able to come. Can you please meet me at Shoprite in thirty minutes?” Then, she hung up.

She was waiting when I alighted from the bus and before I could say a thing, she gave me a big hug which ended with a kiss (walahi, mouth to mouth). I was stunned. She wanted to say sorry but I quickly stopped her and asked her why we were at Shoprite.  She said her other best friend was getting married and her doctor brother was celebrating his birthday the following week. Gift shopping again.

“I must satisfy this second best friend too because she saw what I bought for that my other best friend.”

The statement shouldn’t have made sense but with the kiss from this angel, it did. I was still licking my lips while I pushed the full trolley that had drinks and kitchen equipment that were totally different from the ones we bought the other day. This time, I had to rush to the nearest ATM because she was short twenty thousand naira which she promised to pay back. All I could think of was the kiss. It was a good sign that I was going to screw her soon. I paid for the drop that took us and the items to her brother’s house. There was still time to head back to my house because her doctor brother was off duty and at home. As I waved down a taxi, I started feeling unnecessarily free, powerful and light-headed. Tomisin tapped my shoulder and said “we need to talk”.

The tout in me was on full display, thanks to the alcohol they call jedi, ale and opa eyin. I was causing a scene, shouting at the top of my voice.

“How can you tell me we have to take it slow? Take what slow? You think say you get sense? I go show you say I don craze before, you never see mad man before abi?”

I pulled my shirt and was dragging her by the wrist. The alcohol, the stress, the skunk and most annoyingly, my service savings.

“I no go gree o!”.

The next thing I knew, hands grabbed me and I think I heard a woman say “Eeyah, poor boy”.

I woke up with a headache. My mum was sitting at my side with a swollen face. She obviously had been crying.

“Mummy, what is wrong? Where am I?” I asked while trying to sit up.

“Yaba”, she said with a sorrowful voice.  I was still pondering what I was doing in a hospital in Yaba when I heard a man shout from the side of my bed “I am Barrack Obama, the president of Togo and my wife is Patience Jonathan”.

Then, it dawned on me. I was in the general ward at Yaba left. I later found out that Tomisin’s brother was a psychatrist. I pulled my clothes and started shouting:

“I don mad before o, una go see craze if this girl no follow me”.

The doctor got people to hold me down and sedated me. I was disappointed at myself. I should have ignored Dele when he told me to take skunk after taking the mixture. He convinced me that it would give me prolonged sexual strength and take away my inhibitions. The skunk did take away my inhibitions or why would I be in Yaba?

My parents signed my discharge papers and we headed out of the hospital through the lobby where a notice board was hanging on the wall. I stopped suddenly spotting a familiar face on a wedding invitation pinned to the notice board. I took a closer look rubbing my eyes to be sure I was seeing right.

“Tomisin hooks Frank” with the picture of my extremely beautiful Tomisin and that of the doctor (Tomisin’s brother) Frank.

I was shocked. My Ronaldo don jam Messi. I had been played. I had been paying for Tomisin’s kitchen equipment. I even paid twice for the transportation to her to-be husband’s house thinking he was her brother.

I couldn’t cry. What I was feeling was beyond pain. I just started laughing pointing at the picture.

Surprised, my dad asked “What is wrong with the picture?”

I didn’t answer. I just continued laughing loud and uncontrollably.

“Doctor Doctor, he has started again o, he is not yet well o.” My mum shouted.

As the doctor or Tomisin’s fiance rushed out with some nurses towards me, I was set for vengeance. I grabbed him and bit him all over like a mad dog. Messi might be the better player but Ronaldo never goes down without a fight.

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Oriade Adelaja Oriola

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